MyndJack Radio Blog

Wow. Crack may be whack, but meth is like death.

I’m not here to judge people’s recreational drug use, but anything can be abused, and I’m an advocate of knowing your limits and protecting your ass. I was heartbroken to discover that drugs had turned one of the hottest Playboy Playmates of the 1990’s into a skeezy drug fiend. No airbrushing can help this hag now.

When I was twelve, I discovered my dad’s stack of Playboy magazines in the bathroom cabinet. I hadn’t “discovered” any use for them but my pants would get really tight when I would see the naked ladies adorning the cologne-scented pages of what would become my favorite magazine of all time. He once had a Penthouse, but the women in that magazine were kinda fug compared to the airbrushed beauties of the late 1980’s.

My parents had recently divorced and I was living with my pops, who had just become a single, slightly gray haired Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy. This was right around the time of Officer and a Gentleman, Top Gun, and No Way Out. Needless to say, I had a lot of SMOKING HAWT Babysitters until a few years later when he met my now stepmother.

I purchased my first Playboy from a broken-English newsstand clerk in the Atlanta airport while on layover flying back from visiting my mother in Florida. At the time, I felt like I was king of the world, master of my domain, and an evil criminal mastermind all rolled into one; but I still felt uncomfortable reading it on the plane, let alone partaking in a new activity that most early teens have discovered. I had hot contraband and when my dad picked me up from the airport, I couldn’t wait to get home with my smuggled smut. The year was 1992. The Playmate of the Month was Tanya Beyer and she was, in my opinion, one of the hottest Playmates of all time.

When I got to VMI, I could finally get my own subscription to the magazine that I had kept as a guilty pleasure for years. Naturally, at an all male military college, I found my brother rats with various degrees of “porn” to some of which are unspeakable even to this day. Let’s just say that BRICKHOUSE MONTHLY was about more than just big asses. Ewwww. Surrounded by daily smut that made Playboy look like Entertainment Weekly, combined with the “rat-in-a-cage” desperation to just fuck something, anything, and everything that being a nasty, bald rat would instill, my snobby view of pornography was shattered. It was everywhere, and I wanted more.

I had ordered a Playmates in Paradise video, which included Tanya Beyer and other Playmates running around beaches au natural. When it arrived in my VMI mail, I couldn’t wait to find an AV room to view my prize; however, finding a VACANT AV room had become a major problem. It seems most other cadets had the same idea as me, and far worse smut than I had. I had walked into what I thought was a dark, empty AV storage room only to find six of my fellow cadets gathered around a glowing screen showcasing what appeared to be some kind of German combination human anatomy video and cooking show. It was freakishly disgusting, unspeakably deplorable, and degrading to the human species in every way. Naturally, I took a seat.

Now, don’t freak out. No one in this viewing party had any plans other than using the images they see for later. That’s part of the protocol for group porn watching. No one take out their junk. You watch the porn, then everyone goes their separate ways to find some privacy. If you start abusing yourself in a group like this, not only is it uncouth, but you are liable to get your ass kicked. I mean, we have standards ya know.

So this particular video that I dare classify as pornography of some kind was over and the faceless cadet running the VCR noticed the video I had been clutching in my hands. With a voice that sounded like Buffalo Bill asking for me to put the lotion in the basket, he queried, “Hey, whatchu got there? Let’s see it!” I froze and before I could speak, another shadowy, nameless cadet snatched it from me and passed it to our host. I could tell he was holding it up to his face, trying to use the blue glow of the TV to decipher what it is. He grumbled “is this the one where the two hermaphrodites fuck each other in their gashes?”

I wanted to explain to the group that this was a high class Playboy video, full of artistic nudity and gorgeous, high class nude models in gorgeous scenery. Before I could respond, Cadet Buffalo Bill had already removed the tape from its colorful casing and jammed it into the VCR with his grubby, unwashed mitts. At first, the mood of the group was rowdy and excited as a preview of an Anna Nicole Smith video played before our feature. This was way before her tragic death and equally tragic television show. Various commentary about the girth of her tits and how fat girls have more cushion for the pushin’ could be heard before the feature presentation began. I figured at least I’d be able to see Tanya Beyer romp around the beach nude in all her glory, even if surrounded by the skeeziest pervs in the barracks.

Let me say this about Playboy videos. The models are gorgeous, the backgrounds are exotic and breathtaking, and the quality of these videos are professional. They feature themes, seductive stripteases, and exotic group nude romps punctuated by brief interviews with the ladies themselves. Playboy videos do not feature two women with ginormous purple strap on dildos performing the cunt-de-gra on each other while a third pees on them. This information quickly became apparent to the movie club as violent protests of the lack of penetration, cunnilingus, and what one referred to as “meat curtains” began to get louder and louder. The host growled “what kind of bullshit (homosexual) flick is this?!” which I found ironic in that we were all a room full of sweaty guys getting horny together.

Still, I ignored the protests because there, on the screen, Tanya was standing on the beach topless with another playmate explaining that they were actresses and their role called for them to run around the beach topless and play volleyball. They were acting, of course, not just being hot naked women on the beach. You gotta respect their craft.

Suddenly, the screen went blue as I could hear the mechanics of the VCR regurgitating my video. Cadet Buffalo Bill growled “that was the gayest shit I’ve ever seen!” as he tossed my video over his shoulder, which made a loud crash as it hit the floor. Buffalo Bill snarled for another film, but the mood had been broken. Another cadet clicked the light on his watch and exclaimed “Shit, it’s almost TAPS!” The movie club slowly, ashamedly took various exits to the storage room and made their escape.

I waited to when I felt like everyone else had left and snuck over to the floor where my video had fallen. It wasn’t broken, but it felt greasy from Buffalo Bill’s mitts. As I made my way out of the room, with my tainted contraband, I noticed that Buffalo Bill had not left yet. He was just sitting there staring at the blue screen and I prayed that I didn’t see one hand down his pants as I opened the door to leave.

I made my way to my room, feeling like I had just seen the girl I was in love with (or at least wanted to get in her pants) just gang fucked before my eyes. I couldn’t keep the video anymore, it was tainted, soiled, and toxic to me. I rounded the corner towards my room and chucked the video down the garbage shoot, not even pausing to hear the clunk as it hit the trash bin below. I returned to my room just in time to hear the bugle for Taps and laid in my bed still trying to conjure the memory of Tanya Beyer’s mammaries in my head, only to hear Cadet Buffalo Bill and the Skeezy Movie Club’s protests in my mind to ruin the moment.

This marked the moment where Playboy would no longer do it for me; however, I would always remember Tanya Beyer as the object of my lust and affection, at least for that brief couple weeks. My level of acceptable pornography would gradually plummet over the years, perhaps for my own good. The 19 year old who lay bitter in his bed rack would never understand the glorious acts of perversion that awaited him just months away. Mel Brooks summed it up great in that he had been taught that sex was dirty, filthy, humiliating, and a sinful experience; and that’s exactly how it should be.

So, I hope you understand now how for a brief moment in my sexual awakening, Tanya Beyer, Playmate of the Month February 1992, was the focus of my lust and desire. Future Playmates, such as Karen McDougal, Stephanie Glasson, Corinna Harney, and yes, Jenny McCarthy would also capture my eye, but Tanya was kinda my first big Playboy crush. So, the other day, I decided to google her to find out what she is up to now. I had seen Facebook fanpages for former playmates and twitter accounts popping up for the hotties of the 1990’s. It was amazing how most of these women still looked somewhat hot, even though most of them now looked like cougars or trophy wives, they all still were hot for the most part. Thank you plastic surgeons of America!

What I found about Tanya is heartbreaking and also vomit inducing similar to how I felt back in the movie club. Apparently, Tanya had been arrested in March of 2010 for drug trafficking and possession. She had also been on the run from the police for nearly 6 months before they arrested her. The shockingly tragic thing was not the charges but the picture of the now pot-marked, grizzled, haggered, downright fugly female who was supposed to be the very same woman I lusted after in my late teens. How could this happen?

Such an incredible disappointment. Turns out, she was a meth head and got involved in some serious shit. She was released at the end of last year, but the image of her skeezed out meth face still haunts me when I think about her. How could someone who at one time looked breathtakingly gorgeous now look like she rolled out of the ass of the creature from the fugly lagoon?

I guess to sum up, drugs are bad, mmmkay?